Watch Me Crumble
by Dorianspainting
Summary: "I've reached the end of my sanity. I want to hit the open road. I want to see places and do things that I know I'll always be too scared to do." With Jacob and Edward both gone from her life, how will Bella find her footing?  AU / ANGST.
1. Chapter 1

**Watch Me Crumble**

"I've reached the end of my sanity. I want to hit the open road. I want to see places and do things that I know I'll always be too scared to do." With Jacob and Edward both gone from her life, how will Bella find her footing? Rated M. AU / ANGST.

Disclaimer: All characters belong to their respective owners. The author of this story in no way profits from its use or distribution.

-x-

**[A.N]: This story is severely AU, and slightly OOC for Bella, but who really knows her character anyway? **

**This story is rated M for mature themes, including a suicide attempt, and some graphic situations. Also, the characters occasionally use foul language in order to get their point across. I personally don't speak this way, but they will. ;) **

**I have tried to explain what happened as basically as I could through the prologue which includes two emails from Alice and Bella. Bella has been keeping in touch with Alice since the Cullens left Forks. My story begins a year after Edward went to the Volturi. Oh, and Victoria found someone else to ass-scratch. **

**You must READ THE PROLOGUE or else you will be lost trying to read the story!**

**Summary Nutshell: Bella chose Jacob. Edward ended his own life out of despair. Jacob left Bella a few years later. She's coming undone. **

**Watch her crumble... **

Disclaimer: Twilight and all its characters belong to Stephenie Meyer. No copyright infringement is intended.

-x-

**PROLOGUE: Dear Alice**

Alice,

I've reached the end of my sanity. I can't stand one more second in this place. Jacob is all I think about, and when I'm not thinking of him, I'm thinking of Edward, and I can't have that. I would give anything for things to be at least relatively normal again, even if it means high-tailing my sorry ass out of Forks forever. I want to hit the open road. I want to see places and do things that I know I'll always be too scared to do.

I still can't tell you how sorry I am for ranting about my life when I know you guys have it so much worse. I know I've said it a thousand times already, but I'll say it again - Edward, Esme, and Rosalie were a blessing to me when I needed them and I miss them just as terribly as I know you must. Sometimes I think about your family and I still have trouble envisioning it with three missing from the picture.

I regret deeply that I left Edward for Jacob and I only wish that there was something I could do to take back my past decisions. It pains me to say that Jacob Black is still the center of my universe. I mourn the fact that he left me every minute of every hour of every fucking day. But we can't help who we love, and I would be a hypocrite to say that I didn't do the exact same thing to Edward. Regardless of how many times you say it isn't my fault, I'll still feel responsible for the deaths of your mother and sister.

Please tell me everything that is going on there. I need to know everything. I know you must hate me, but I desperately miss you all.

Bella

-x-

Bella,

For the final time, please do not dare blame yourself for what happened to Esme or Rosalie, or even Edward for that matter. Edward's life was his own responsibility and he could have easily ended it without making a scene by involving the Volturi. If anyone is to blame it should be me - after all, it was my vision that led me to drag the entire family to Volterra in a desperate attempt to save him - and look where that took poor Esme and Rosalie, who were only trying to protect him.

Yes, what happened was a tragedy, and not a day goes by that I do not regret every decision that was made that day, but I can't take it back now, and neither can you. You have no responsibility in the deaths of Edward or my mother and sister. You must stop talking about what you did **to** Edward and start thinking instead about what you did **for** him. Leaving him was done out of love. You believed that your heart was meant to belong to another, and so you acted according to your heart's will. As far as I can see, there is nothing to blame in such an act. You are completely innocent, and we still care deeply about you and your well-being.

I admit things have been strange and very distressful for all four of us since the incident. It hit us all hard, especially Carlisle. I've never seen him so depressed before, and it scares me more every day. He's stopped working altogether since we moved to Portland, and I can't help but think it's only making it worse for him without the distraction. He spends most of his time at this seminary out in the rural state, I guess to take his mind off of things. I've been seeing less and less of him, but he seems to prefer being alone these days.

Jasper and I are living together under his name as a newly married couple. We have our own little house at the end of town, and fortunately, very few neighbors and a forest as a backyard. I found a job at a small local cafe as a waitress just to save suspicions for where we get our money (the awful scent of the food masks the appetizing scent of the few people who do come in during the day). I've been spending less time around humans while taking care of Jasper, whose bloodlust has only grown worse since Esme's passing. She had always been inspirational for him in controlling himself around blood, and without her or Carlisle around to give him strength, it all falls on me to keep him in check.

Emmett, on the other hand, has been the greatest inspiration to us all. He's recently taken up a pre-law major at Portland State and from what I hear, is doing very well, both with his schooling and his bloodlust. Emmett has always been the most resilient out of all of us, and though I know losing Rose broke his heart, he has been able to put the past behind and move on in the most effective way he knows. He's a hard worker and knows how to pull himself up after a fall. He misses you a lot, and so do I.

I'd like to see you again, Bella. Someday, if you're not ready yet. I understand that you've been through arguably as much stress as we have, but believe me when I say it would be a welcome change of pace if you were to come out and stay with us for a while - maybe find a job or continue your classes at the university with Emmett. I know he'd love it if you came out here. We could all benefit from such an arrangement, so please consider it.

Think things over, and know that you're always welcome in our lives, no matter where we happen to be.

I love you and miss you always,

Alice

-x-

**Thanks for reading. I have the next chapter written already, and it's being checked by my beta, so expect an update soon. Oh and do review.**


	2. Chapter 2

**Ch. 1 - New England Clam Chowder**

-x-

_Three months later..._

I had almost forgotten that the sky was blue behind the constant blanket of cloud that seemed to cover the city of Forks.

Today happened to be one of the rare clear days I had seen this summer - barely able to pinpoint the hot white spot of sun that hung in a crystal blue sky.

So there was a huge-ass star called the sun that warmed our planet, and it really did exist behind those big gray things that floated in the sky...

But the sun-less weeks were not the only cause of my profound misery. Waiting out the long summer without the comforting trips to La Push to see Jacob had been hell in slow motion. There had been little for me to do besides wait for emails from either Alice or my mom, with Charlie's half-hearted offers to take me "college dorm shopping" in between.

Charlie had been more anxious than even I had been about my pending first semester at college this fall.

Not surprisingly, it had taken little explanation on my part to excuse my sudden disinterest in Dartmouth College in favor of Portland State University to Charlie. He was only happy that I still had the motivation to go to college at all.

Motivation, my ass.

I was anything but motivated these days. If only he knew.

I paced the length of the hall while I waited for my ride, peeking out the thin, smeary window in the stairwell for the red Hyundai Genesis I was told to look for.

Alice had arranged to pick me up this Saturday morning, and I was both grateful and nervous to see her after the long months we had spent apart. She'd said to expect her to arrive at noon, but I had been smart enough to keep an eye out at least an hour ahead of time. Vampires tended to overestimate the time it took them to drive from point A to point B.

I admit was downright scared to be visiting the family I had felt responsible for ruining with my lousy habit of ensuring the misfortunes of myself and those who come into contact with me. But Alice was a forgiving soul, and her emails had been more than reassuring, constantly reminding me of her love and well wishes. Though I had still failed to realize what exactly it was about a pathetic mess like me that made people care.

After the fifteenth glance out the window, I took a wild guess that Alice really did mean noon when she said it.

That left me forty-five more minutes to organize my shit before we left.

I knew Alice would have enough room in her car for my stuff. I was light packer, even if it meant packing for a semester at college. Charlie had generously let me borrow his old toaster oven, along with a battery charged radio that I knew I'd never need. But I took it anyway because it had a cool little police emblem thing on it.

I'd convinced him that I could do without my own tv, and that more than one bed sheet really wasn't necessary for someone who had developed a ridiculously high tolerance for coldness. In the end, it was ironic that my clothes took up the most space.

Charlie and I had said our goodbyes early this morning, before he'd gone to work. He didn't tear up, which relieved me greatly. I never did enjoy a sloppy, tear-stained goodbye. I promised to visit him when I got breaks, and send him emails weekly.

I'd made sure to tell Alice to come during the time Charlie worked, only because I didn't want him to think I was stalking the illusive Cullen family again. He knew I had been obsessed with Jake ever since before graduation, and that hadn't bothered him nearly as much as my brief obsession with Edward had. Charlie had said he'd liked the Cullens, but even I knew that was total bull-shit. He liked Jacob Black and that was about it. For a while, that had been my greatest God-send.

It had been a dark day when I discovered Jake's true feelings for the Quileute beauty who he insisted "just understood him better than I did."

He'd tried to convince me that we could still be friends, but if we're being honest, I can't be friends with anyone for that long, let alone someone who I still loved to pieces.

The utter passion with which I resented Leah scared me to death every day. I realized I never truly understood what it was like to be jealous of someone.

I fantasized about killing her.

I fantasized about killing myself.

I never fantasized about killing Jake, though. I would have let him live because he deserved a good, long life.

But I hadn't given up. Not yet. Alice was my last hope.

I was getting out of here.

I opened the front door and slammed myself down on the porch steps with a heavy sigh, breathing in the suffocating scents of summer and fresh air. The sun on my skin felt like an electrical charge, jump-starting my soul at full speed.

It was amazing how just the sunlight could make me feel whole again.

I'd really missed the sun.

Jacob had been the best substitute for the sun. But now he was gone.

Moving on, Bella. Moving on.

I concentrated my thoughts on the things I would do when I left this place. Admittedly, right now, they were pretty blank. I wasn't really sure what I wanted. I guess I just wanted a change of scene. Something to take my mind off of the shit that had gone down this summer. I needed an escape.

The distant crunching on gravel woke me from my daydreams, and the sound sent my heart pounding like the hooves of a race-horse.

The bright red car slowed smoothly to park just by the mailbox, and I barely noticed I was moving before I was suddenly in front of the car-door as the tiny black-haired vampire rolled down her window.

She wore sunglasses that swallowed up half her face and I was a little annoyed by it. But my smile must have been bigger than it had been in a year, because it hurt my lips to stretch them so far.

How sad is that?

"Alice." I said simply. My smile said it all, anyway.

She grinned wryly back at me. "Bella."

Her voice was like a knive in my memory. The short sound of just my name on her tongue sent the recollections churning, zooming past in an exhilarating rush. I remembered.

"Holy shit." I muttered, running a hand through my wind-swept hair in disbelief. "Sorry, I'm just...overwhelmed."

"You're not the only one." Her voice was still so distracting, I was barely able to concentrate on her words. "It's weird being back in this place again." She frowned slightly as she shifted her head from side to side, looking around.

I stood there, embarrassingly dumbfounded for another minute at least, unable to pull my eyes away from Alice, sitting there in the driver's seat of her car - and for that minute, it was like nothing had changed.

"Wow, yeah - I'm just -" I pointed clumsily to the house and stumbled backwards in the grass a little. "Gonna go get my things and bring them to the car."

Her lips tugged into a sheepish smile. "Yeah, I'd help you, but the weather is a little... impairing today."

As if to emphasize her words, her fingers gave a faint shimmer as she tapped the window pointedly and closed it back up.

I couldn't do anything but laugh speechlessly as I sprinted back into the house and carried the pile of luggage out to her trunk. It took six trips to get everything, and it just all barely fit in the small trunk space.

"Did you eat lunch yet, Bella?"

Are you fucking kidding me? This was her first question for me, after such a long time being apart?

I just stared at her in confoundment. "Yes." I slammed the door shut and nearly threw my back out as I settled pointedly back in the seat. It smelled like candy apples in this car.

"Good." She said in satisfaction, putting the car into gear.

It was a little awkward trying to find something to talk about, at least from my perspective. I tried to lead Alice in the direction for her to talk about her life, rather than focus on mine, but it was difficult, because she seemed almost as hesitant to reveal what they'd been up to in Portland.

"It's very cloudy there." She said for what had to be the fifth time when I asked what it was like in the Oregon city.

"So I've heard." I muttered sarcastically, leaning against the window at the lovely landscape.

"Do put your seatbelt on, Bella." She sighed, not taking her eyes off the road. "If I'd had the intention of bringing back your corpse to Emmett and Jasper, I would have warned them beforehand." The saying was in jest, of course, but there was a certain weariness to her voice that told me she was genuinely concerned.

I reluctantly buckled up with a glare in her direction. I didn't know why I was suddenly so resentful of her for trying to protect me. It became a tick of mine since Jake had left me. I think I didn't like the idea of anyone protecting me but him - that had been his job, and I was convinced that no one else could do it.

I didn't want anyone else to do it.

"So..." I puffed a breath of air through my lips and threw my head back against the leather seat.

"Just tell me if you want to pull into a rest stop once we get on the highway." She said quietly.

I gaped at her for a second then rolled my eyes. "Ok."

"You were saying?"

"Come on, Alice. I want to know what's been going on. I know it can't be so... boring there like you say it is."

"It's not like we joined the Circus or anything, Bella." She chuckled grimly. "We don't lead exciting lives and we never truly did - at least until you shook things up." She admitted carefully.

Oh, I didn't take it personally at all. I knew I was a natural disaster waiting to happen. I might as well embrace it since I had nothing to lose now.

"Yeah, well, I just figured your lives had to be more interesting than mine."

"Life is what you make it." She said wisely. It sounded so weird coming from her, only because I forgot how old she really was.

"Well, I guess I made mine hell." I said derisively. Count on me to lighten the mood of any conversation.

"Not to late to change that." Count on Alice to remain as sunny as she could in spite of my pessimissim.

"I'm working on it."

She gave me a dull smile, but a smile nonetheless.

"I really am glad you're coming to stay with us, Bella."

My reluctant smile faded for an instant. "Wait - I'm staying with you? I thought you said you and Jasper had your own place? I'm not moving in with you guys, am I?" Not that I didn't want to, but I assumed Jasper wouldn't be too fond of me hanging around with my blood filled bod.

She looked uneasy. "No, of course you can't stay with us, unfortunately. Jasper wouldn't be able to handle it, but that's not the only reason. We live pretty far from the campus and I don't think you'd appreciate having to drive back and forth for fifty minutes every day." She shrugged. "I just meant coming to stay - near us. You know..."

"Oh," I frowned. "I wasn't exactly planning on living on campus. I mean, I was going to initially and I have a dorm reserved, but when you said Emmett lived there, I thought the rest of you at least lived nearby."

"You were planning to commute?" Her deep gold eyes suddenly looked wary.

"No." I said too quickly. "Forget it. I just thought that…nevermind."

She thought for a few moments. "Emmett just started living on campus, you know. He used to commute from the house Carlisle bought in the city until he was comfortable enough to live in such close contact with humans for prolonged periods of time." She looked over at me. "You could always stay at Carlisle's house and just drive from there."

I recoiled a little at the idea - it wasn't that I didn't trust Carlisle - it was only that it would have felt awkward to live with only him, while the rest of them had different residences.

"Well, I don't know if that's...I mean, I wouldn't want to be like a burden to him."

She thought again. "He's hardly ever home. He spends all his time at St. Benedict's."

"Huh?"

"Remember I told you about how he stays at the seminary?"

Oh, that.

I blushed a little for some reason and tried to revive the subject. "I'm not about to move in with him unless he invites me to first, Alice." I rolled my eyes.

"Don't be silly, Bella. He couldn't say no to you."

That was hardly fair. Carlisle couldn't say no to anyone.

I huffed loudly. "Alice, you're not helping. Can't you just.. stay with me for a couple days...until I break into my classes and stuff?"

She smiled then. "Bella, if you're uncomfortable with the situation, why don't you say that?"

"I'm not uncomfortable." I protested stubbornly. It was a total lie. "I just...want you to be there for when I first start out."

She laughed her signature sparkly laughter. "You do realize I was planning on spending every waking moment with you no matter where you chose to live?"

I almost let her hear my sigh of relief. I'm sure she heard it anyway.

"Well that's pretty awesome of you Alice, why didn't you say that before?" I blew my hair out of my face and she laughed again.

She didn't answer me.

The rest of the drive was surprisingly enlightening, and I was able to coax much more out of Alice than she had been able to coax out of me. I only made her stop at one rest stop the whole way there. It was a good thing it had gotten progressively cloudier on our way South, so she could walk freely outside with me.

It started to rain a little when we got back in the car and I began to feel a depression sinking in, compliments of the shitty weather. I hoped it wouldn't rain in Portland as much as it did in fucking Forks, Washington.

"We're nearly to the house, now." She said as the car rolled onto a wooded drive. "I want you to be prepared in case Jasper is there - He knows you're coming, but I told him to hang with Emmett until I got you settled. He hunted so he should be fine." She sounded more like she was trying to convince herself than me.

"Ok." I agreed casually. Inside my heart was tumbling like crazy, and I wasn't sure why. I definitely wasn't afraid of being attacked again by Jasper - and if it wasn't fear then it could have only been nerves. I was nervous to see them. Nervous as to what I should be expected to say.

What did you say to someone when three of their family members wouldn't ever be coming back?

"Don't be nervous, Bella." Alice said softly as she slowed the car down.

Since when did she read minds?

"I'm not nervous. I'm just...anxious." I said dumbly, tapping my feet against the floor restlessly as she eased her way up a long road lined with beautiful three-story Victorian houses.

I kept trying to guess which house she would stop at, but the one she pulled up to was the only one I had chosen not to guess.

I hadn't dared to guess it because it was too pretty to possibly be the one I would get to live inside.

It had at least three visible stories, a midnight blue roof and matching shutters on nearly all of the windows. It was all white with slender Corinthian columns across the front, and a black lace-gated balcony that reminded me of the types of mansions they used in old movies filmed in New Orleans.

The dark location along with the suddenly stormy blue sky made the lights on inside look warm and inviting. A single half-shell glass lamp hanging on a chain above the door glowed an almost orange color, adding to the appeal.

"Nice house." I muttered and Alice smiled knowingly at me, already at the trunk. "Whoa whoa whoa!" I practically raced to her side to help her carry the load of luggage she had balanced on one arm. Then I remembered she could do that sort of thing without breaking her back.

We giggled a little at my forgetfulness as she started up the steps to the house.

But I wasn't ready just yet.

"Alice?" She turned to give me her full attention and I shifted my feet. "I just need to ask you one thing."

"Yeah?"

I took a deep breath.

"Did you ask me out here - because you saw something in my future that... demanded I be here in the right place at the right time?"

"No." She said, looking slightly relieved. I had only to believe her. Alice was not that good when it came to lying. "I wouldn't trick you like that, Bella. I would have let you know up front."

Just as I thought.

I relaxed a little then, letting her lead the way onto the porch. She opened the already unlocked front door and let herself in, carefully setting my things down on the shiny checkerboard tile.

"Carlisle." She said his name as if he were already in the room and I spun around, expecting him to be standing right behind me. But I quickly remembered they could call each other without actually calling. "Bella's here." She added the unnecessary bit of information. They had obviously been expecting me.

I heard the soft footsteps from the back hall and suddenly the archway was filled by his tall form, blocking the light from the neighboring room. His hair was uncombed and paler than normal, almost the ghost-white shade of his skin. His eyes were dark and sunken. He was dressed in all black, making him look almost like a priest - a devastatingly handsome, deathly pale priest. He wore no coat, no scarf, no belt. He did not leave the house at all anymore. Only to hunt, or to live for week-long trips at the seminary on the other side of the state.

His aged eyes still came back darker than they should have been. He looked like an entirely different person. It scared me.

I approached him because I had no other choice. Alice waited by front door behind me, and I could hear her shifting around on her feet while I walked up to the broken patriarch of her broken family.

I didn't know what I expected to say.

I stared at his eyes for a few moments, then released the first words that came to my mind.

"I'm so sorry."

I was still looking into his eyes, but it was then that I realized he was not really looking back into mine. His face changed. A subtle, barely noticeable shift in the way his features were being held. And that was his only reaction.

"We've missed you, Bella." My memories stung with the familiar sound of his voice. His voice had the same breathy sort of drawl that I remembered. But it was tired sounding, more strained.

I tried to smile.

"I missed you too." I admitted, fighting the tears I felt prickle in the corners of my eyes. I couldn't cry.

I leaned hesitantly forward, suggesting an embrace, and he caught me a bit awkwardly as I stumbled into his chest, soaking in the sweet scent from the fabric of his shirt.

He was rigid and cold, his arms loosely wound around my back and he held me to him, a bit unwillingly it seemed.

I stayed there in his arms until goose-bumps rose on my arms from the coldness.

And then I felt the light, careful circles being pressed into the center of my back.

So I stayed.

"I'll make you something to eat, Bella." Alice's voice came from too close behind me.

Slightly startled, I pulled my head back and Carlisle's arms dropped immediately, almost gratefully from my body.

But Alice's small hand remained. On my back. Tracing little soothing circles.

I felt one tear fall.

"Okay." I agreed, not taking my eyes off of Carlisle's melancholy face. He refused to look at me, still.

Alice left us alone.

I opened my mouth to say something - anything. But he saved my efforts.

"Excuse me." He whispered. And he was gone.

I wiped the tears from my eyes and followed Alice into the kitchen.

"What kind of soup do you like?" She asked in her brightest voice, trying to ease my discomfort, I supposed.

"I don't care - whatever you have." I took a minute to survey the aesthetic beauty of the surprisingly modern kitchen for such an old style of home.

"I found a recipe for New England clam chowder online the other day - I think I'll try and make that." She mused to herself as she flitted over to the fully stocked fridge. I fought the urge to groan. Leave it to the Cullens to overdo everything.

"You know you could have just ordered take-out my first day here." I said as she started the stove.

"Ridiculous." She waved her hand dismissively. "It would have taken ages to get something delivered up here anyway. I'm a fast cook." She winked.

I rolled my eyes good-naturedly and let my gaze flick to the clock on the wall.

"Boy, it sure gets dark around here early."

"Yeah, it's nice." She said absently, already stirring ingredients into the pan.

"Should I be wondering where your brothers are?" I asked suspiciously.

"They'll be here soon. Jasper just went for a last minute hunt. Emmett will bring him back."

"Hm." I got a little nervous again.

"Don't worry, he won't eat you - the stench of this awful stew will scare his appetite away the second he enters the house." She giggled, pinching her nose as she worked over a pot of boiling potatoes.

"Does food really smell that bad to you?" I asked incredulously. My mouth was already watering at the aroma.

She gave me a pointed look but didn't bother answering. I watched her chop and stir and pour for a few minutes.

"Here they come." She said quietly, I think trying not to startle me.

I got awkwardly to my feet as Emmett and Jasper appeared in the foyer. "Damn, Alice. It smells like sh-"

Emmett's face broke into a huge grin as he saw me and I suddenly felt like a three-year-old who had been handed a bouquet of balloons. And then I flew up into his monstrous hug, as he twirled me around, laughing his familiar laugh, though it was slightly less booming than I'd remembered. "I thought you'd be coming back to us." He said, and I felt a pang of something as I caught his eye.

Despite his enthusiasm, there was a definite weakness in his characteristic cheerfulness. A crack in his unbreakable strength. It was not outright, but an inner turmoil that I could somehow feel when he embraced me - not as noticeable as Carlisle's, but I knew with certainty that the pain was there.

Jasper hung back as usual, staying within a safe distance, next to Alice even as he gave me a familiar smile.

"It's nice to see you again, Bella." He said with his notoriously polite drawl, and again the sounds of all their voices drowned me in a shower of long-forgotten memories.

They were the same as they had been of course, in the physical sense, unchanging as ever in their timeless perfection. Yet there was a distant but distinct sadness deep within each of their eyes, like the loss of their family members was thrumming there, never to abandon them. They would never truly be the same.

But they could act like it. Really well.

"So, Alice, what is that concoction you're brewing up over there?" Emmett asked thoughtfully, taking the stool beside me at the counter.

"New England clam chowder." She remarked smartly. "Does it not smell divine?"

Jasper sniggered and backed away from the stove a few feet.

"How was the blood fest?" Alice asked them, earning a well-timed snort from me.

"Fantastic." Emmett sighed. "I would go into detail about what was served, but I think I would ruin the appetite of our guest."

"That's considerate of you." I smirked wryly, hitting him on the shoulder with a roll of paper towels.

"You guys can wait in the dining room." She pointed us out, laughing. "No, no, Jasper. You stay with me."

Whether she was concerned about Jasper losing control of his thirst around me, or she simply wanted to speak to him in private, I didn't hesitate to leave the kitchen with Emmett in front of me. He pulled out the chair at the head of the table and just as I moved to sit in it, he slid in front of me, about to sit down himself. He laughed heartily at me as I ducked and pulled out another chair. "Just kidding." He got up and let me sit in the head chair as I blushed. "Look at you, Bella - the king of the table."

I shook my head stupidly and tried not to smile at his antics.

"Don't move, I'll be right back with some water for you." He said, and in a flash he was back in the room with a bottle of Dasani, which he poured into a glass from the cabinet.

"You know that's for champagne." I told him as he set the elegant stem next to my empty place setting.

"We can pretend."

I laughed and took a sip.

"Man, it's so great to have you around again."

I was surprised at how genuinely happy and even relieved he sounded.

"Yeah, it's great to be with you guys, too." I set the glass down. "I needed a change of scene - my life has... not been going well." I let out an empty laugh and sat back in my chair, trying to drain my mind's thoughts of dreamcatchers and russet colored wolves.

"Sorry to hear that." His eyes were pitying. "But you got a new focus now." He said, injecting a tone of bright hope into his deep voice. "You're gonna like Portland State."

"I sure hope so."

"Please, any school I go to - you know it's gotta be the bomb." He puffed out his chest.

"Yeah, Alice told me it was going well for you."

He grinned sheepishly. "It's been getting better with time. I'm having less trouble around humans now. Forcing myself to be around them more often has done wonders for my control. I've had to hunt more than usual, but I've had zero relapses since I started there."

"That's awesome, Emmett. I'm really proud of you." I said with a fond smile. His eyebrows raised.

"Who are you, Carlisle?" He chuckled knowingly, and I blushed deeper.

"I just mean I'm impressed - by your motivation - I wish I had that sort of belief in myself."

"You've got a lot going for you, Bella." He said with a casual assuredness that made me reconsider my insecurity. "You'll find something you're good at that you just love, and your life will start to kick ass - you'll see. College is breath of fresh air for everyone."

I smiled weakly. "Yeah, well, I'm the type who'd prefer to carry around an oxygen mask."

He chuckled as Alice came into the room. She placed a steaming ceramic bowl of soup on my placemat and shoved a shiny silver spoon under my nose.

"Bon Appetite."

I snorted, nearly choking on my first spoonful.

"It's _app- a- teet_, Alice." Jasper corrected amusedly from the doorway.

"Whatever." She chimed carelessly from behind me.

"This rocks, Alice. Thanks." I told her between spoonfuls. "But you don't have to cook for me everyday. I'll probably eat on campus a lot since my parents are paying for room and board."

Her laughter tinkled relentlessly. "I don't expect you to eat that crap every day. I'll do daily grocery shopping - it'll be a pleasure, really."

"Well, I can do most of the cooking too, you know." I tried once more.

"In that case, I'll have a fire alarm installed." She backed into the kitchen, dragging Jasper by his sleeve along with her.

I rolled my eyes.

Emmett sighed. "Too bad I'm the only one who can reach that high."

-x-

**I'm thinking the next chapter should be ready in a couple days or less. Review please. This is my first twilight story.**


	3. Chapter 3

Ch. 2 - Getting Reacquainted

-x-

I trudged up the staircase and Alice took me into a bedroom that smelled like strawberry cream and cinnamon. This whole house smelled like candy. The scent of these vampires was doing nothing for my sweet tooth.

She flipped on the lamp and set the rest of my stuff down on the dresser. All of the furniture was Victorian style cherry wood, and the wallpaper was a deep violet color. The bed was high and wide enough for three or four people, with a purple satin pillowy headboard. The four posts had carvings of cherubs and roses that matched the rest of the elegant furniture.

I kind of gaped for a couple seconds, until I remembered whose home I was a guest in. The Cullens had never offered me anything short of extravagant.

Now that I had seen this room there was no way I'd be able to squeeze myself in a shitty dorm, sharing breathing space with a roommate I didn't know.

"It's the master bedroom, so it has a bath over here." Alice pointed her elbow toward the door in the corner of the room, beside the closet.

"Wow." I murmured as I stepped over to the circular tower of windows that overlooked the woods around the house. "You sure no one minds that I have this?"

"It's not like the rest of us sleep." She smirked. I had forgotten again...

I smiled sheepishly and started to unzip my duffle bag.

"So," She plopped herself down on the end of the high bed, her feet swinging off the edge of the mattress. "Emmett and Carlisle will be here all night if you need anything. I need to stay with Jasper overnight but I'll drive over in the morning to prepare you for your first class on Monday."

"I'm already as prepared as I can be." I muttered sharply. "Alice..."

There was an unmistakable twinkle in her eye. "I just want to make sure your shoes match."

I groaned.

"Black converse match everything, Alice."

She shook her head lightly and tutted. "You'll want to make a better impression than that."

"The hell I will." I chuckled bitterly. "Who have I got to impress anyway?" I asked nonchalantly as I tossed a pair of socks over my shoulder.

She gave me a wry glance and pursed her lips. "You never know, there could be a guy..."

I scoffed at her and kicked my empty duffle under the bed. "I doubt it."

There would never be another guy that could tear my heart away from Jacob.

"Ok, well." She hopped to her feet and walked backwards out the door. "I'll let you sleep. See you in the morning."

"Thanks, Alice."

She closed the door softly behind her and I heard her tapping down the stairs.

I didn't bother putting the rest of my stuff away; I was too tired to do anything more than brush my teeth and throw on a pair of pajamas. The bed had like fifty layers of quilts and had that sweet smell infused into the sheets. I curled up under only the top blanket and tugged on the chain of the purple tiffany lamp on the nightstand.

It wasn't too dark in the room, but just dark enough. Some of the orangish light from the street glowed behind the sheer curtains that covered the windows.

I took in a deep breath and tried to sleep.

That was when the thoughts of Edward began.

It wasn't that I had never thought about him every night, at least in my subconscious. But Edward had always been that sort of hum in the back of my mind, while Jacob occupied the forefront. Something tonight had switched things around - now Jacob was the distant hum in my subconscious, and Edward was center stage.

I kept wondering if I had been the only reason he'd gone to the Volturi. For some reason, it still seemed inconceivable that he would go through so much trouble to end his life over me. I had assumed our love to be unhealthy and devoid of compatibility. It was one-ended, with Edward always bringing the weight down. I had nothing to offer such a beautiful, talented, perfect young man, and he had too much to offer me.

Jake had been the answer to my prayers on more than one occasion in the past. He was kind and he cared about me just as much as Edward had - only he didn't make me feel guilty for doing so. I could love Jake back in a genuine, but less extravagant way, and that was something I had never properly been able to do for Edward.

Somewhere deep in the ugly violent pits of my innermost self, though, I wept for Edward. I had chosen his loss over Jake's but instead I had gotten two for the price of one. My heart still ripped itself to shreds when I thought of what my life might have been like with Edward - even moreso than it did when I fantasized about a future with Jake. I suppose part of me still believed Jake could love me - that I hadn't truly been given up by him yet. There was always the chance that Leah...

I couldn't think about that.

I tossed and turned beneath the sheet, trying to clear my head. It was all behind me now. Why couldn't I just move on? Why was I so fucking preoccupied with the past?

With an exasperated sigh, I grudgingly turned the lamp on and let my eyes adjust to the room. I surveyed my surroundings sleepily for a few minutes, looking for anything to preoccupy myself until I fell asleep. My gaze dropped to the halfway opened the drawer to the nightstand, and I pulled the handle curiously to look inside. At the bottom of the drawer there was a thick black Bible, a tattered red notebook that looked to be very old, and a sleek black fountain pen.

Odd.

I wasn't about to challenge my unexercized mind with a passage from the Bible, so I flipped through the small notebook, looking for hints as to who it could have belonged to. It was completely blank, not even a scrawled date in the corner of the cover. I experimentally shook the fountain pen and tried writing my name on the first page.

The ink was red and my first thought was that it reminded me of blood.

Creepy.

With a sick smile, I tucked myself back between the pillows and started to free write in the blood ink about my horrible life. I wrote about how much I wanted Jacob back, and how much I hated myself for abandoning Edward. I wrote about how fucking freaked out I was to start college and how I just wished I could fall asleep already.

I don't remember when I stopped writing, but before I knew it, I was blinking my eyes open to a brightened room.

The tattered little notebook had been tossed aside, closed with the fountain pen clamped to the back cover. I cautiously opened it back up to the first page, just to be sure I wasn't dreaming that I'd written in it. All of my scrawl was still there. I read through the first couple sentences of my thoughts before I started to feel too sick to go on. I hadn't been in a pleasant mood last night.

I was just about to roll out of bed when I jumped at the sound of someone knocking on my door.

"Yeah?" I called groggily, tucking the covers back around my body.

"Room service." Emmett's muffled voice announced jovially from the other side.

I laughed grudgingly. "C'mon in."

He pushed open the door with ease and strolled inside, carrying a considerably sized tray with two covered plates and a glass of orange juice.

"Sorry if you wanted to make something for yourself, but Alice was kind of restless when she got here this morning." He grinned as he carefully set the tray down in my lap.

"She's already here?" I whispered, already exhausted.

"She's been here since five AM." His eyes sparkled humorously as he sat on the edge of the bed.

"Damn." I sighed as I opened the cover to reveal three slices of French toast. "It's like I hired a second shadow."

He covered his mouth to keep from laughing too loudly. "You'll never know how ecstatic she is to have you here."

"I think I can guess." I mumbled around a forkful of food. "You don't think she'll cook for me every morning, do you?"

He blinked steadily, but I could tell he was trying not to bust out laughing. "You might have to talk with her about that - you know, set some boundaries?"

"Mm." I was reluctant about having to set boundaries for Alice regarding anything. I hated the way her face fell whenever I told her I wanted to do something without her help.

"She seems happier since you got here, Bella." His voice had a more serious tone to it, and I couldn't help but meet his gaze.

"You all seem happy... well except -"

"Carlisle?" He said quietly and I nodded. Emmett took a long breath and looked around the room as he thought. "He's going through some sort of crisis or something. I don't know what caused it. It was like after it happened, he went into shock or something. He seemed like he was going to be okay, then a couple months later, he just - snapped."

"...Snapped?" I repeated carefully, setting my fork down.

"He doesn't spend as much time with us as he used to. I mean, I know we all live separately now, and he has his work at the seminary... but he just seems like he'd rather be somewhere else when we are together." He paused, frowning. "I think maybe we remind him of.. her - them."

I murmured a small sound of understanding and looked down at my plate, suddenly not as hungry as I had been a second ago. "You're happy though, aren't you?" I asked him tentatively, afraid that I was opening up an unwelcome topic.

He was silent for a brief moment before he gave me a half-hearted smile. "Yeah." He shrugged. "I loved Rose, and I still do. She was my everything." His eyes looked glassy as he averted his gaze from my face. "But I was never one to dwell on what happened yesterday. I try to look ahead instead of behind. I know she's gone, but there isn't anything I can do to change that now - and I know she would have wanted me to be the happiest I could be, even without her."

I felt myself near to crying as I listened to him, trying to tell himself that it was okay, and though he seemed as convinced as he could be, I was in tune with him enough to notice that he was just as lost.

"It doesn't bother you that you have to live for eternity without the person you love?" I asked numbly, feeling suddenly guilty that I had trouble getting over Jake when he was still alive and well, only a few hundred miles away.

"Of course it bothers me." He continued, and his voice was so quiet I hardly recognized it. "But I have hope that I can find love again. Just because I'm a vampire doesn't mean my heart is stuck in the stone forever." He forced a weak smile.

"Yeah." I wiped at the beds of my eyes. "You'll find someone, Emmett. You deserve it."

"Well, someday. I'm in no rush." He put his hands decisively on both knees. "It'll take a lot longer than a year or so to recover from a loss like this."

We lapsed into a long but grateful silence, each lost in our own thoughts, and just enjoying the other's company.

"You'd better finish that up or Alice will have a fit." He grimaced, eyeing my full plate of French toast and eggs.

I sniffed and forced a few more bites down before the hurricane hit.

"Bella, I found the cutest jeans last night that I want you to wear for your first day..." She sidled in through the door, both her arms draped with clothes, a plastic bag filled with what looked like shoes in one hand.

"I have an outfit picked out already." I pointed out while Emmett covered his grin.

Her mouth fell open in shock as she stared at the gray sweatpants and hoodie I had laid out on the couch. "That's not an outfit!"

Emmett got up from his place on the bed then, and waved at me before making a quick departure. "Don't let her burn your whole wardrobe."

I groaned, but I couldn't help my smile as Alice picked up my sweat pants with the tips of her fingers and dropped them into the bottom bureau.

"Try these on." She ordered cheerfully as she held up a pair of dark denim jeans with gold lining on the pockets.

I swallowed the last of my breakfast and washed it down with orange juice before swinging my legs over the side of the bed and taking them from her hands.

She rushed back over to the wardrobe, adding new articles of clothing to place on the sparse hangers while I slipped into the jeans.

"I don't know how you were expecting to last more than a few weeks with the clothes you brought, Bella."

"I wasn't." I laughed pointedly. "No one in college wears a different outfit every day - and no one in high school did either, except for you - " I stopped before I would have to mention Rose, and started ranting. "Besides, who says I want to get noticed here? I'd rather just be the loner who no one cares about anyway."

"What kind of attitude is that?" I looked up at her face and noticed that she looked genuinely put off. I ignored her question and got up to show her the jeans, adjusting my hips in the mirror.

"They're perfect." She said succinctly as she gave my legs a quick glance of approval.

"Okay. So what do I wear as a top?" I asked, just to humor her. Maybe if she got it all out of her system now, we'd be better off.

She smiled indulgently and slipped a crisp pink cotton dress shirt off the hanger. "Always start simple on your first day."

I scoffed inwardly. The outfit was anything but simple as far as my wardrobe went, but I guess to her it was.

I tried the top on, and it fit okay, though it was a little tight. Alice said it was supposed to be that way, and I just had to find a lighter bra to wear underneath it.

If I was wearing anything that required a change in bra color, it probably meant I should be in something else.

But I didn't tell Alice that. I had a feeling her interest in dressing me would die down after the first few weeks, and then I could go back to sweats and t-shirts.

"Don't you like it?" She asked in an almost crestfallen voice, brushing my sleeve as we looked in the mirror together. "Of course I like it. I just don't think it's me." I shrugged, starting to undo the buttons again. She rolled her eyes and headed back to the closet.

"Your style is simple and classy, Bella." She said primly. "This outfit is the ideal starter outfit for a first day at University."

I sighed heavily as I pulled the top over my head and replaced it with a loose brown t-shirt. "So long as it only has to be for the first day."

She turned to grin at me. "I knew you liked it."


End file.
